Tired...

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Some days are really great. Some days I actually feel like a normal person. It's those days I think I can do just about anything, like drive to Salt Lake early in the morning, pull an all-dayer at work, then go to dinner with friends, stay out late and do the same thing again the next two days.

It doesn't hit me right away, which, I suppose could be both good and bad. But because it doesn't hit me, I tend to keep going hard. I feel normal, like I can do anything.

But then it hits, and boy does it hit hard. The fatigue, the weakness, the exhaustion. I don't want to get out of bed. I get headaches, my stomach hurts, my emotions get all out of wack. I wish I didn't have to adult.

Unfortunately, i do have to adult. I still have to get up, get ready, and go to work. I have to smile when I feel like crying, stand when I feel like sitting, move when I just want to curl up in bed and stay in one spot forever.

If I took the day off every time I felt like crap, I wouldn't have a job. It's hard. It's not like having a cold or the flu where it might put you out for a few days, because even though you feel like you may die, you know you'll feel better soon.

I can sleep 8+ hours a night and wake up feeling like I didn't get any sleep. I go to bed with headaches only to wake up with headaches. Most days I really struggle to get out of bed. I fight with myself, debate whether today will be the day I call in sick, then worrying that someone else might call in sick, leaving my coworkers short-handed. They need the day off more than I do. Then I convince myself that I'm really not that bad, crawl out of bed, cover the bags under my eyes, try not to cry, and get ready for another "normal" day.

It isn't until I actually take time to rest that I can get back to functioning. Unfortunately, that rest doesn't result in long-lasting energy, but it's enough to get me back on my feet. It's enough to keep me going. It's enough....as long as I can find that time and force myself to rest.

I just hate missing out on things, but I suppose that's a story for another day.

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